I had a near traumatizing level of emotional pain caused by new turmoil in my life. I felt hurt, lost, alone, and I was at risk of collapsing under the weight of comparison and insecurity.
But I didn’t take that route this time. Not this time. I think the pain was so great that I went immediately into Survival Mode and after a day or two, put all of my energy into picking myself back up. I spent a lot of time in front of the mirror saying nice things to myself. Yelling, smiling, crying. I went all in on the positive self-talk, the being my own best friend, the knowing I would be alright.
And frankly, it worked pretty well. I’d never put that much effort in before, and I did feel stronger afterwards. I felt more clear-headed. I felt pretty good about myself.
But I discovered something RILLY RILLY NEAT that was total icing on the cake: I BECAME A GODDESS.
I’m talking about something called SOLO ROLE PLAY. It’s called that because I came up with it and it probably exists somewhere as another term but I’m calling it that.
Yeah. Basically I decided to pretend I was some kind of immortal, invulnerable creature. A creature of beauty, strength, and pure compassion. I was LOVE INCARNATE. I was CLARITY. I was FOCUS and PASSION and AWE. I was Galadriel saying, “ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!”
Okay I didn’t think of Galadriel until just now. And frankly I didn’t want anyone to despair. So I guess I was feeling more like Guanyin. I was feeling incredibly loving. But I also felt powerful. Powerful with love.What an amazing concept. I didn’t even have to watch Sailor Moon first.
So what this all meant was that first, I stood in front of the mirror and imagined a hood and a cloak on my head and shoulders. I stood up taller to fill them. The cloak is of course made of ACTUAL STARRY SPACE or something. I felt the power in my body. Just standing tall made me feel stronger. I felt the love. I felt confidence. And peace, because to a goddess, all is right with the world and nothing can really fuck with you because you’re good with it all. You see all. Know all. Can handle the crap out of all.
And so I went out into the world that night doing this with myself. With my brain and my body, exuding love and confidence and calmness. And I swear to you, it changed how I acted and how I felt about INTERacting. I’m certain it changed how people responded to me. It also became rather fun.
When a band was playing, I pretended they were playing for me – a sacrifice of sound for my pleasure.
I ate music. I felt myself growing stronger with it.
When I performed, I gave of my immortal heart. I looked upon the world with the curiosity of an alien. When I drank, I drank a potion of confidence with magic powers. My bracelets were amulets of power. I knew because I could feel them. The weather spoke to me. I looked deeply into people’s eyes without fear or discomfort, because I was all.
I mean. This went on and on. Frankly the mantle thing really helped me – standing up tall and just thinking strength-y thoughts did more than you would expect.
I wish I’d learned this as a child. Perhaps I would have had a tool to cultivate that would keep me from being afraid of the world for 30 years, cowering and manipulating and begging for approval and love. Perhaps, even if gained partly through PLAY, I would have felt a sense of power that no one could take away from me.
I imagine those who are more witchy would say I perhaps invoked a goddess. Perhaps I manifested a new reality of myself. Whatever it was, it was awesome. I’m going to be doing this a lot more often I think. I’m curious to see how else I can trick my mind into being my best self, and into making the life I live just a bit more whimsical.
And for the record, Sailor Mars was always my favourite and I think I’d rather be a vampire than a goddess, even though the metaphor kind of sucks. HAH!